i know what i want out of life.

i want to be happy, of course. but i also want things that are going to make me happy. you can’t have a happy marriage without a home, you can’t have sex without a bed in that home, you can’t have the babies after the sex without paying the hospital bill, and you need money to pay that bill.

so that’s out of the way, we all know you need money to be happie in this sense. 

i want an amazing wedding where i can invite all of my friends & family. i want to stand at the alter & know that i’m marrying the right guy. i want to dance to our songs that night with everyone watching, wishing they were me & him. i want to get super drunk, i want him to pull that little thingy around my leg off with his teeth & throw it to his friends, i want him to put me in our Mercedes or BMW & drive to the airport where we’ll go to Italy (or what have you), i just want it to be the best night of my life. 

i want to cook amazing food for us & have amazing sex afterwards. i want to play xbox before we go to bed. i want all of friends to come over & have a good ass time & STILL wish that they were me & him. i want to cuddle & have major pillow fights & kiss him over & over again. i want to have play fights where he let’s me win & then tickles me.

i want to wake up in the morning to him and know that he’s the best man for me & know that he’ll always be there for me. i want to be able to get up in the middle of the night & walk to my refrigerator to get a glass of whatever & not be scared because i know he’s the strongest man in my life (aside from my daddy<3) & he’ll protect me at all times.

when i have little babies & they get a little bit older, i want to be the mommy that wakes up early in the morning, every morning, to make them breakfast & drive them to school to make sure they get there safely. i want to be there when they get home, help them with their homework (& have their dad help them with math), make them dinner & tuck them in until they get too old for that, only then will i just kiss them goodnight. i want to make sure they are so swagged out that chics/guys are like “dude, is that kind of swag even legal?”. i want to teach them how to be men, because i want two boys. i want to teach them on how they should treat a lady, as his dad treats his mommy. cause God knows if they ever treat a girl wrong, i will beat the living shit out of them. i want to give them the world. i want them to have huge ass birthday parties at Disney World & have them driving in nice ass cars when they’re 16. i want them to go to Cancun with their friends for a Senior trip. i just want the best for them.

those are some of the things i want out of life.

John…

well, i actually said i was going to “post” tonight, but i guess i’ll write something about you..

i don’t really know how to start off because i wasn’t planning on this, but i just want to say that you mean so much to me. you’re so sweet, and you’re so SO cute, i just want to hug you all day. the last time you came over, that was seriously one of the best days in my life. it was pretty close to perfect and it makes me really excited and anxious to live together.:3 i don’t know what else to say except i care about you & love you so much. i know we fight, i know most of the arguments are my fault (well, that’s what YOU think), but just know i never really mean the mean things i say, if that made sense lol & i think about you everyday & realize how much you love me & it makes me really happy. i just wanna say i love you too, John. (:

the most memorable moments in my life.

-when i stood outside of B&N for three hours for Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix.

-when i almost fell off of the cliff hanger at White Water.

-when Mary Grace & Mary called me beautiful & said that i had a pretty laugh in the same day.

-when i went to New York City in 2008 with my favorite cousins April & Aisha.

-when i found out the song on the Pixie Phone Commercial in 2009: sleepyhead.

-when i smoked my first cigarette.

-when an Abercrombie Representative randomly pulled me aside & asked me to model for them.

-the day i broke my friendship bracelet in eighth grade & realized i was going to high school.

-the day i realize why i don’t like the daytime & only morning & night.

-when i got my first Apple computer in the fourth grade.

-when my dad said: “fuck you.” to me.

-when i told my parents the truth about me.

-the day i met one of my best friends today, who i met on xbox live then.

-when Bree gave me a hello kitty necklace for my sixteenth.

-when this guy named John McCarthy commented on my meaningless status.

-when my dad told me i could be the best chef in the world after i made dinner in the fifth grade.

-when my dad hugged me & told me: are you ready to change? cause if you are, i’ll be here the whole way.

carolyn breeann ammann. (CBA) Oct. 18, 2011.

awh, bree i love you so much, you are the greatest. i wish you could come over for days on end like you used to, but now your mother has decided to be an unfair trollop (i don’t wanna use modern terms to insult her, so i figured medieval terms would work.) i hope you graduate with our class this year, but if not, i’ll drive 30 minutes every morning to take your ass to school, by then you’ll be 18, but i’d still do it. anyway, if you DO graduate with our class this year, that’ll be awesome (: then i can wake up in the morning & go to starbucks & drop by your house to pick you up & give you your white chocolate mocha & we can hit up barnes & noble. then you could come back to my place where i’d be doing shit tons of college homework. then mattman can come over & then i’ll invite johnjohn over, & we can all have a swell time, although i don’t know if matt & john will get along that well lol, oh well. & then you could FINALLY SPEND THE NIGHT! & i’d wake up & cook for everyone because im cool like that. UGH, OHMAHGAWD, i can’t wait. can not wait, woo. anyway, im going to stop typing cause river is trying to sleep & i know this shit is loud as fuck. i love you breeeee!:D<3

hmmm.

infatuation & love aren’t the same.

infatuation, is of course, you LIKE them ALOT. they way they look, act, sound, etc. you’re attracted to them emotionally & sexually. woo. 

love is something totally different. it’s when you really care about the person and each individual has their definition of the word “care” but for me, it’s if you love/care about me, prove it. not by words, but by action.

you love me? okay.

would you marry me?

would my wedding ring cost more than the house?

would you buy me a house and car to go with it?

would you take me wherever i wanted to go in the world?

would you work hard enough in order to afford all of these things?

love & money go hand in hand. i’m not a”gold-digger” or whatever. i know for a fact that i will have a lot of money when im older. & i want someone who has the same if not more. because, believe it or not, money has to do with your happiness. if you have no money, then it’s just not going to work. 

no, i’m no high maintenance, i just know what i’m worth & if you don’t think i’m worth that, the you can get the fuck on. & no, i’m not cocky. i’m only that way if you’re coming at me in a lame ass way. i’m pretty nice. i don’t brag. if you hung around me, you wouldn’t even know i had money unless i blatantly told you.

when someone asks how much something is (depending on the person), i generally answer: i don’t know. because i hate the looks i get if i were to. 

the “movie” depiction of love only works if you both are drug addicts, generally apathetic or flat-out losers. because then it is JUST feelings. but, that is not the type of love i want because i don’t want to live like that. that’s a very warped depiction in my opinion. 

so there, that’s my version in a peanut shell. 

and on that note:

okay, i’m a former drug addict. 

do i think about going back to it? every day.

do i see the slight appeal? certainly.

do i think it’s right? no.

but i don’t judge you based off of that. if you do drugs, hey, it’s your life, i’m not going to waste time in persuading you to change old habits. i’ll show support, but i won’t be your full-time cheerleader unless i really care about you.

yeah, tell me everything that bothers you, i’ve been through a lot, maybe everything, so, i understand. the point is to not dwell on it for too long. for whatever reasons, because it already happened, there is nothing you can do about it, except accept it. that’s all you can do, & move on. but don’t waste your life on things that can’t be changed.

don’t make up excuses, take the blame if you know it’s your fault.

be honest, humble. those are the best things any human can acquire. 

don’t let people put you down. ever. you’re beautiful, cute, sweet, what have you, just the way you are. don’t let people make you stagnant. if they want to fuck around, let them, it’ll all come around in the end, it always does. 

*i should write a fucking book.

dear john,

you’re the first guy i’ve ever invited to my house. you’re the first guy i’ve ever actually cuddled with. you’re the first guy that my sister actually approves of & likes. you’re the first guy to ever give me a first kiss that was way too sexual. & you’re the first guy i’ve ever had a relationship where it’s okay to joke around like how we do, get irritated with each other & makeup super quick, to make me laugh so hard that even after we get off the phone, i think about what you said & i’m laughing all over again.

you’re the cutest thing i’ve ever seen. you’re just so cute, everything about you, especially your smile. i love your smile & your eyes. & i love when we play with each other’s hands, then i pull my hand away & you take it back. you smell good, i like that shit. i love when you call me “baby”. i smile every time you do. i like when you kiss my tummy. i like when you kiss my neck & i like biting yours(;. i love love love playing with you hair. i just like you. i love you.

today.

i don’t know if it was good or bad. i’ll say split. i had a really good day at school, i haven’t laughed so hard in a while. but then i found out my ex’s best friend died on tuesday in a car accident. i had no idea until today & it’s a weird feeling. i’ve hung out with her before & she was a really sweet person, hands down. i don’t know how they were best friends to be honest. i don’t know how i feel about it. i didn’t really know her personally but i knew her enough. it just feels weird. odd. sad. i don’t know.